14 October 2011

Why is life so hard??

When I was 17, I never wanted kids. I never thought I'd get married. I never thought I'd live up North. I never thought I'd still be working on my first degree at the ripe old age of 22. I had everything planned. Get degree, go to med school, be super awesome famous doctor.

What really happened: I went to school, goofed off, met Michael. My grades were average, so I moved back home. I went to a different school. Then I got married and moved to Indiana and changed schools...twice. Michael was laid off, so we got a job in New Jersey. I changed schools again (the fifth college). We had a baby. Now?? Now, I'm not so sure what is going to happen.

I'm a huge control freak. I like to be in control of everything and know exactly what is going to happen. When I don't know what is going to be happening long term, I start to feel like I might die. Please don't laugh. It's true! I have great amounts of anxiety over things as simple as running out of cloth diapers, the baby pooped, and they are all in the washer!

I have a huge dilemma. I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Do I want to stay home? Do I want to be a nurse or something else? What is God's plan for my life? I HAVE NO CLUE! (Maybe I can be a famous blogger and make millions... ha)

There are pros and cons to each scenario. If I finish nursing school, we would be financially secure for pretty much ever. The trade off is my baby would be in daycare full time for the next three semesters, and I really don't enjoy patient care (they whine a lot). We don't have the money for daycare, and I definitely do not want some stranger raising my baby. Nursing is very stressful, and I don't deal with stress very well. I'm working on handing that over to God. I have no idea why it is so hard for me to relinquish control (haha again). If I stay home and pursue a degree in something else in the evenings, we probably wouldn't be as financially secure. I've contemplated finishing a degree in history at Rutgers (I applied and was accepted). I'm only two semesters away if I go full time. The pros: Charlie would only have to go to a sitter for about two hours every day. He'd have me all day, and then Michael would be home with him in the evenings. The cons: I have no idea what kind of job you can get with a history degree. Work part time for a non-profit maybe?

I've been praying about this for a year. It just dawned on me that maybe God hasn't given me an answer, because I'm a crazy person! Just kidding. More likely because I'm afraid to give the whole decision over to him. I keep trying to keep veto power.

Why is life so hard?

My verses of the day:

Psalm 46:10- He says, “Be still, and know that I am God;
   I will be exalted among the nations,
   I will be exalted in the earth.”

See... I have no reason to feel like impending doom is bearing his full wrath upon my head!

Psalm 55:22- Give your burdens to the LORD, and he will take care of you. He will not permit the godly to slip and fall.

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